Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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