so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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