I'm jealous of your bromance
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
