hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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