I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
