No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
