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Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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