Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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