yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
