Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
