I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
