Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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