I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
