I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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