As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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