you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
