She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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