Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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