i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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