this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
