I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
