I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
