dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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