she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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