i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
