I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
