That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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