you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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