i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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