ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
