Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
