Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
