I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
