Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
