so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I cannot find my penis.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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