I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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