I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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