I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
