i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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