This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
