I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
