make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
