I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
