I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
