P.S. I can't hear my feet
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
