please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
