I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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