I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
