the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
