A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
